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Written by: Favour Francis | Reviewed by: Dr Ortega Ogomigo
Introduction
Has your child ever held on to you tightly just as you’re about to leave for work? Or cried every morning before school, begging you not to go? Maybe they follow you from room to room at home and become upset the moment you’re out of sight.
As a mom, moments like these can leave you wondering if there is a problem. Some people may even say your child is being stubborn, overly attached, or “too spoiled.”
But that’s not always the case.
In many children, these behaviours can be a sign of separation anxiety. Separation anxiety in children is a common part of growing up, especially in the early years. However, when the fear of being away from a parent becomes intense, it deserves a little more attention.
This article breaks down:
- What Separation Anxiety is
- What Age Separation Anxiety is Normal
- Causes of Separation Anxiety in Children
- How to Help a Child with Separation Anxiety
What is Separation Anxiety in Children?
Separation anxiety is when a child becomes very upset or worried whenever they have to be away from their parent or someone they feel safe with. This could happen when it’s time for school, daycare, a visit to a relative’s house, or even when you simply step out for a short while.
Doctors often see this play out during early childhood development, especially as babies and toddlers begin to understand that their parents can leave, but don’t yet fully understand that they’ll come back.
Most children gradually become more comfortable with short periods apart as they grow older. However, if the fear lasts longer than expected or begins to affect your child’s daily life, school, sleep, or relationships, it may be a sign that they need a little more support.
At What Age Is Separation Anxiety Normal?
While separation anxiety is a normal part of a child’s emotional development, it usually changes as they grow.
Babies (Around 6 to 18 Months)
This is when separation anxiety often begins. Babies start to recognise the people they trust most and may cry or become upset when those people leave. Although it can be difficult to watch, this is usually a healthy sign that your baby has formed a strong bond with you.
Toddlers (Around 18 Months to 3 Years)
Many toddlers still struggle with being apart from their parents, mostly when starting daycare, preschool, or staying with someone else. While they may still cry or cling at times, they gradually become more confident as they learn that you’ll come back.
Older Children
As children get older, separation anxiety usually becomes much less noticeable. If an older child continues to have intense fear of being away from you, refuses to go to school, or becomes distressed every time you leave, you may want to look into this further. In some cases, it can be a sign that they need extra support from a healthcare professional.
Every child develops at their own pace, so occasional clinginess isn’t always a cause for concern. What matters most is whether the anxiety is making it difficult for your child to enjoy everyday activities or affecting their well-being.
What Causes Separation Anxiety in Children?
There isn’t usually one single reason why a child develops separation anxiety. In many cases, it could be their age, personality, and maybe life experiences for older children. Here are some common reasons why separation anxiety can happen.
- Starting School for the First Time
For many children, their first day of nursery or primary school is the first time they’ve spent several hours away from home. A new environment, with unfamiliar faces, and being away from Mum or Dad can feel overwhelming, so it’s normal for some children to cry or refuse to go to school at first.
- A Strong Bond with a Parent or Caregiver
Children naturally feel safest with the people who care for them every day. Sometimes, if they’ve rarely spent time away from that person, being separated can feel frightening. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It simply means your child is still learning that you’ll leave and come back.
- A Frightening or Stressful Experience
Sometimes separation anxiety can begin after a difficult experience, such as being ill, spending time in the hospital, getting lost in a crowded place, or seeing someone close to them become seriously sick. Experiences like these can make a child worry that something bad might happen if they’re apart from the people they love.
- Changes at Home
Children often notice changes, even when they don’t fully understand them. A new baby, moving to a different neighbourhood, a parent travelling for work, changes in who looks after them, or constant arguments at home can make some children feel less secure and more anxious when separated from their caregivers.
- Hearing or Seeing Scary Things
Children don’t always understand the news or conversations happening around them. Hearing stories about kidnappings, accidents, or other frightening events, whether on television, social media, or from adults talking nearby, can make them worry that something bad could happen to their parents when they’re apart.
- Changes to Their Daily Routine
Many children feel more secure when they know what to expect. So, when there’s a sudden change in routine, such as starting daycare, changing schools, spending the holidays away from home, or staying with relatives they don’t know well, it can make separation feel much harder.
Remember that every child is different, and while some children adjust to these changes quickly, others need more time and reassurance. What matters most is responding with patience and helping your child gradually build confidence when they’re away from you.
How Can Parents Help a Child with Separation Anxiety?
Most children gradually become more comfortable with being away from their parents, but your patience and reassurance can also help.
Here are a few simple things you can try.
- Create a Predictable Goodbye Routine
Before dropping your child off at school, daycare, or leaving them with a trusted caregiver, keep your goodbye routine simple and consistent. It could be a hug, a kiss, a smile, and simply saying, “I’ll be back after work,” or “I’ll see you after school.” Doing the same thing each time helps your child feel safe because they know what comes next.
- Start with Short Separations
If your child struggles whenever you’re away, don’t expect them to suddenly feel comfortable spending hours apart. Start with short periods. Leave them with a trusted grandparent, aunt, uncle, or caregiver for a few minutes, then gradually increase the time. As they see that you always come back, their confidence will begin to grow.
- Don’t Leave Without Saying Goodbye
It may seem easier to quietly slip away while your child is distracted, especially if you want to avoid tears. But this can actually make separation anxiety worse. When your child notices you’ve disappeared without warning, they may become even more anxious the next time because they’ll worry you could leave at any moment. Instead, say goodbye calmly and reassure them that you’ll be back.
- Comfort Them Without Giving In Every Time
It’s okay if your child cries when you leave. Acknowledge how they’re feeling and let them know you understand. You could say, “I know you’re sad because I’m going to work, but I’ll be back to pick you up later.” At the same time, try not to cancel every outing or keep them home from school because they’re upset. Doing this regularly can make it harder for them to learn that they can cope without you for a little while.
- Encourage Small Steps Towards Independence
Give your child opportunities to do little things on their own. This could be playing in another room for a short time, helping pack their school bag, choosing their clothes, or spending time with trusted relatives without you always being nearby. These small moments can help build their confidence over time.
- Stay Calm During Drop-Offs
Whenever you’re dropping your child off, try to stay calm, even if they’re crying. Children often pick up on their parents’ emotions. If you seem worried or unsure, they may feel there’s something to be afraid of, too.
- Celebrate Progress
Every child moves at their own pace. If today your child cried for five minutes instead of twenty, or walked into class without holding your hand the whole way, that’s progress. Praise their effort and remind them how proud you are.
From the Desk of Koyo Doctors
Watching your child struggle when it’s time to say goodbye can be difficult. As a mum, it’s natural to want to make the tears stop as quickly as possible. But you should understand that your child isn’t trying to make life difficult for you; they’re learning how to feel safe, even when you’re not right beside them.
With the right support, most children gradually become more confident with time. If, however, your child’s anxiety feels overwhelming, don’t hesitate to speak with a healthcare professional.
At Koyo, we’re here to support not just your child’s physical health, but their emotional wellbeing too. Whenever you have questions or concerns, we’re only a conversation away.
